(music) You've got to ac-cent-tchu-ate The positive (music)
(music) E-lim-inate the negative (music)
(music) And latch on To the affirmative (music)
(music) Don't mess With Mr. In-Between (music)
(music) You've got to spread joy Up to the maximum (music)
(music) Bring gloom Down to the minimum (music)
(music) Have faith or pandemonium (music)
(music) Liable to walk Upon the scene (music)
(music) To illustrate My last remark (music)
(music) Jonah in the whale And Noah in the ark (music)
(music) What did they do (music)
(music) Just when everything Looked so dark? (music)
(music) Man, they said You gotta ac-cent-tchu-ate The positive (music)
(music) E-lim-inate the negative (music)
(music) And latch on To the affirmative (music)
(Ken) Hello. Welcome back to Group Hug.
I'm your host, Ken Hyman, touching you, touching me.
My guest today is psychologist and author, Dr. Richard Clayton.
He has written a new book titled Ready, Set, Let Go. A Guide to Anger Management.
Doctor, you first applied the methods described in your book
to patients in your own private care. Is that correct?
Yes, I was, uh, trying to solve some of my own issues
and, uh, well, in doing so, l... I discovered something that worked so well
I thought I would use it to help other people.
(Ken) I'd like to open the lines up to callers.
If anyone out there is dealing with anger issues,
Dr. Richard Clayton is standing by.
And we have a call. Hello?
(male caller) Yeah, I got a little bit of a problem.
You know what my problem is?
This used to be a rock station
and now we've got M r. Touchy-Feely here talking out of his ass!
You suck, Hyman. I'm gonna slash your tires!
Don't cut him off.
U h, Caller. What is it exactly about the show
that, uh, that makes you so angry?
That it sucks!
Okay, good. Now, do you honestly think that slashing M r. Hyman's tires
is gonna make you feel any better?
Yeah. Yeah, I think it will.
In fact, many of the things that we do when we're angry
don't make us feel any better at all. They often make us feel worse.
We are in control of our emotions,
not the other way round. The first step of taking control of our lives
is learning to master the emotional self.
What're you staring? Eyes front. Let's go, jackass.
(Richard) I'd like you to do something for me.
I'd like you to close your eyes,
take a deep breath, repeat after me.
Ready?
(everybody) Ready.
- Set. - Set.
Let go.
- Let go. - Let go.
[Exhales]
How do you feel?
M mm. Let go.
Yeah.
I feel real good. [Horns honking]
[Crash] Are you out of your mind?
[Horns honking]
That's all the time we have for on Group Hug today.
I'd like to thank our guest, Dr. Richard Clayton.
The book is Ready, Set, Let Go.
It's available at better book stores everywhere.
I'm Ken Hyman, touching you, touching me.
'Till next time.
You were great in there, Doc.
Thank you, honey. It's just... It's all so exciting.
In three weeks
I'll be married to the most wonderful girl.
Could life be any sweeter?
Yeah, you could be me.
(music) Man, they say you've got To ac-cent-tchu-ate The positive (music)
(music) E-lim-inate the negative (music)
(music) And latch on To the affirmative (music)
(music) Don't mess With M r. In-Between (music)
(music) No, don't mess With M r. In-Between (music)
[Classical music playing]
(Doug) I don't think we have enough aluminum in our lives.
I think that's copper, isn't it?
Mercury.
Mercury? Well done, Ellen.
Thank you.
So, Ellen,
pretty soon you'll be part of the Clayton family. Ha ha ha.
How does it feel?
Well, it's an honor. I love your son very much.
That's so very sweet. But, um, what do you think of Richard?
[Mitch laughs] Swish. Two points!
Give it up, Mom. Come on.
Not at the table, darling.
(Doug) The entire public welfare system should be abolished.
(Richard) That's easy for you to say. You're white.
And you're the son of a wealthy industrialist. As am I.
Some people are born into disadvantage because of their background
or the color of their skin.
Yes. It all sounds like the same bunch of typical liberal claptrap.
(Richard) Thank you, Rosa.
Thank you very much. You're a good woman.
Your people are, are a fine people, a proud people.
She doesn't understand what you're saying, Richard.
Everyone understands the language of respect, Mother.
Give it a rest. Have some brandy.
No, thank you. I don't drink anymore.
How a son of mine turned into such a bleeding heart, I will never know.
Maybe he gets it from his father.
(Richard) If that were the case,
then I'd have no compassion whatsoever.
Not necessarily.
U h, M itch, I think you've had one too many.
But isn't time he knew the truth?
About what?
Mitchell.
About the bear.
Bear? What bear? What is he talking about?
Maybe it's best if I show you.
M itch, M itch. Get back here.
Where's he going?
Maybe we should just tell him.
Tell me what?
Richard, we didn't wanna tell you like this,
but I suppose there's no easy way.
And with the wedding coming up, I suppose it's time that, um, that you know the truth.
Rosa, dejanos solos.
(Doug) Although, uh,
we loved both you and M itch, uh, equally,
and we raised both of you as our own,
I'm... not your father,
strictly speaking.
I don't understand. What do you mean?
I'm not your biological mother, either.
This is some kind of joke?
It's not a joke, Richard.
I'm afraid you were adopted, son.
Adopted?
No, that's impossible.
(Mitch) Not necessarily.
I was up in the attic last night digging through some of our old stuff
and, uh, I found this.
What is this?
The orphanage found you on the doorstep
with just that one item.
(Arleen) You were only a few months old.
Now, let's not make a big scene, Richard.
Who's making a big scene? You... you're telling me that I'm adopted?
Richard, lower your voice.
I can't believe what I'm hearing!
It's in the past. What difference does it make?
Well, I'm 34 years old!
Did it cross your mind that I'd want this information earlier?
What for? So you could be traumatized?
(Richard) Ready, set,
let go.
Ready, set, [animal chirping]
Let go.
You okay, Doc?
Oh, I'm fine, bunny.
I'm better than fine. I'm good.
Honey, what are we listening to?
Uh, it's a meditation tape.
Sea of Serenity. [Squawking]
Soothing, isn't it?
Yeah, yeah.
(Richard) So, can you find them?
(Spicer) I've been doing this for over 25 years.
Well, uh, how... how does one, uh, go about this?
In a case like this where there's not a lot to go on,
we generally start by placing ads in the papers of the town you were found in,
posting notices and such.
If they're out there, and they're alive, I'll find them.
M mm. Good.
(Richard) Of course the layout's fantastic.
I wish I had that much confidence in the publicity.
No, they're... they're taking care of you.
There's been plenty of publicity for this book signing on Monday.
In fact, they even took out a great big ad in today's Tribune.
[Laughs]
Is that the picture they're gonna use?
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm such a stiff!
I don't really look like that, do I?
No, not at all.
Oh, I'm sorry. Just one second, Jeff. Hello?
(Spicer) Spicer here. Good news!
Looks like I found your birth parents.
U h, that's terrific! Who are they?
A Frank and Agnes... I may be mispronouncing this. Manuree.
Yeah, Manuree. That would be French. Where do they live?
Pekin, Illinois. It's near Peoria.
That's just a few hours from here.
They'll love to come up for a visit. Want me to set this up?
Perfect! That's perfect.
We'll have a party. I'll introduce them to everyone.
Oh, this is a nice one.
Yeah, I hope so. Rich wants everything to be perfect.
He gets that look on his face if it's not.
Honey! We found them!
Honey, we found them. My parents. [Laughs]
They're gonna come next week!
They're gonna visit. We're gonna have a party!
He found 'em. I don't know how he did it.
I have to run. I have an appointment, but I'll call you later.
[Richard hums]
(Ellen) Any sign of 'em yet?
No, not yet.
I don't know what's keeping them.
[Ding-dong]
You must be the Manoires.
Wow, I had no idea I was biracial,
but I've always identified with the struggle of the Black man.
And now I know why.
So Dad, Mom, tell me about yourselves. I wanna know everything.
Well, I graduated Berkeley in the Summer of Love. That's where I met your mom.
I was a slogan writer for many of the popular protest movements
of the '60s and '70s.
Remember, "Save the Whales," "No Nukes, Peace"?
Sure.
Those were mine.
Wow!
And I'm the founder of the organization
for Rethinking Ethnocentric Opinion. OREO.
Oh, such good work.
You two are amazing.
And you are the son we've always wanted.
I try, Mom. I really do.
But tell me something. Why did you give me up?
Well, it was all part of a sociological experiment.
We wanted to see if the child of open-minded, liberal humanitarians like ourselves
could flourish in a family of narrow-minded, hypercritical individuals like the Claytons.
I always knew it.
I must say that you have passed with flying colors.
Congratulations, son.
(together) We love you.
[Laughs]
Hey, Doc?
Yeah?
Do I look okay? I wanna make a good impression.
Bunny, you look beautiful.
My God, they're gonna love you.
I don't know how they could not love you.
I'm the one who should be worried.
If I'm a disappointment to them?
You have nothing to worry about because you're a great man.
You're gonna be the best wife ever.
[Ding-dong]
Oh, my God, that's them!
Um, where's my jacket?
You're wearing it.
Right. Okay. Uh, do I look okay?
You look fine. Relax.
I can't believe I'm gonna meet my true parents.
Do I call them Mom and Dad?
No, just call them M r. And Mrs. Manuree.
Right, of course. Of course.
Here I go.
Frank Manure.
You must be our son. How the hell are ya?
This is quite a moment for us.
I'm sorry. What was that name again?
Frank.
The part after that.
Manure. It's French.
Ah. Well, you must have the wrong house.
We're expecting the Manurees.
Richard.
And you must be Frank Jr.
Frank Jr.?
That's him alright. I'd recognize him anywhere.
He takes after my side of the family.
You call 'em circus freaks you come from a family?
It's better than that White Trash you come from. You shut up.
I can't believe it's really you!
(Frank) We sure got ourselves a family here.
How old are you son, anyway? Thirty four? [Laughs]
It was about that time when I started losing my hair.
But don't let it worry you because it's a sign of virility.
By the way, when it comes time to shop for a rug, I know a good place.
You just tell 'im you're my boy, he'll cut you a deal.
Why don't we all step inside?
Nothing would please us more!
Can I help you with your, uh...
This here's a cheese ball.
I made it myself for the occasion. I hope you like it.
A cheese ball? Very nice.
Back home I'm famous for my cheese balls.
I make the best cheese ball in town. I can give you the recipe.
Nobody gives a damn what the hell you put in that rat ball,
except for maybe the Board of Health.
Why don't you shut the hell up?
[Whispering] He's an alcoholic.
I heard that.
Oh, we... we certainly appreciate the gesture, anyway.
Thank you. Don't we, Richard? Richard?
[Frank whistles]
You certainly have a beautiful place here, son.
It's got a certain je ne sais quoi.
Yes siree, Bob.
You must be really raking in the dough, son. What's your racket, anyway?
I'm a psychologist and a writer.
Oh! How about that? [Laughs]
I knew these genes was good for somethin'.
[Laughs] What do you write, son?
U h, I write books about psychology.
You ever write a book about dogs?
I sure do like a book about a dog.
No, I can't say that I have.
H uh.
If you do, let me know. I'll buy it.
I can't tell you how much Richard and I have been looking forward to this.
Richard has a lot of questions for you. Don't you, Richard?
(Richard) I don't know where to begin.
You wore that damn hairnet, didn't ya?
I thought I told you
not to be wearing that damn hairnet when we meet our boy.
Do you have any idea
how ugly you look with that damn thing on your head?
Any idea at all?
I told you I have to wear the hairnet
to keep my hairs out of the cheese ball.
I'm gonna count to three. And when I get to three,
you better have that damn thing off your head.
One.
Two.
I ain't taking it off my head.
Three. That's it. I'm a-coming for it!
[Screams]
Why don't we all calm down here? I'm sure we can...
[groans]
(Ellen) Oh, honey.
Ooh!
Oh, Richard, Oh, honey.
Are you happy now? Are you happy now?
We just met our son not five minutes ago
and you go beat him in the nuts with that damn rat ball!
You're gonna be alright.
Of course he's gonna be alright. He's tough like his old man.
I wish I had a nickel for every time I was laid low by one of them damn things.
I'd be a wealthy man.
Is there anything I can do?
Ain't you done enough already?
You're probably wondering why we gave you up, son.
Well, it's the same old story. You probably heard it a thousand times.
Boy meets girl. They fall in love.
Girl gets pregnant.
Boy gets arrested for impersonating a meat inspector.
I'm sorry. What was that last part?
It's a long story.
We just thought that you'd have a better chance in life
with a family that could provide for ya.
I hate to be the one to say this,
but I think the meat in this sauce has gone off. It don't taste right.
Oh, well actually it... it's not meat. It's seitan Parmesan.
Satan's what?
No. Seitan. Richard and I are vegans.
That means we don't consume animal products.
Seitan's a form of wheat gluten. Kind of hard to explain.
It... it's very healthy.
If you don't like it, we can order out or...
Oh no, we like it fine. Don't we, Frank?
Sure!
Thi... this is probably the best damn gluten I've ever tasted.
M mm-hmm.
What do you do there, uh, for a living? You?
You can call me Dad, son.
Hmm.
Well, I worked at the rodeo for a spell,
'till I got tired of all the bull.
[Laughs] Get it?
Bull? Rodeo? [Laughs]
That one's so old it's got a beard.
So do you.
Anyway, after that, I took a job at the Peekaboo Carnival. That's where I met your mother.
But lately I've been selling a household pest product door-to-door.
It's called Scoot. Good stuff, that.
I got a case of it in the car if you're interested.
Oh, thank you. That's very thoughtful.
Are ya'll planning on making us grandparents anytime soon?
Well, we have been discussing that option.
(Agnes) Gonna take more that discussing.
That ain't gotta get you knocked up! [Laughs]
Please, don't embarrass me in front of my boy.
In all seriousness, though, there are some things you should know
about our medical history if you're fixing the, you know, propagate.
What do you mean?
It's just there're some things that could get passed on to your young.
I myself suffer from a bacterial condition called Blackfoot.
Blackfoot?
Ever hear of athlete's foot?
A-ha.
It's that times ten.
It's both chronic and incurable.
Aside from that, there's the shrinking.
Shrinking?
Yes, ma'am. The Manure men tend to shrink after 40.
(Agnes) On my side you got your mental afflictions,
such as Tourrette's Syndrome, schizophrenia,
and a rare condition known as Cokie's Disorder.
It's generally characterized by dementia, the murder impulse,
and an irrational fear of natural fibers.
Well, if the Tourrette Syndrome ain't kicked in yet, you're probably in the clear.
But I'd still keep an eye out for Cokie if I was you.
We want you to know, son, it's our greatest shame that we weren't there to raise ya.
But we intend to spend the rest of our lives making it up to ya.
You really don't have to.
Oh, no. We insist.
You're not losing your hair.
Doc, you wanna talk about it?
Talk about what?
Oh, I'm fine. Fine.
Let's just go to sleep.
Look at it this way.
It's just two days and then you'll never have to see them again.
Yeah.
(Frank) Don't you hit me.
Well, that's better.
[Frank and Agnes moaning]
Oh, you've got to be kidding me.
[Loud moaning]
(Frank) Who's yer Daddy? Who's yer Daddy?
I sail in a sea of serenity.
(Agnes shouting) You're my Daddy I
Morning, son. Sleep well?
Yeah, great.
See ya at breakfast.
(Frank) Did you see my tube of... Oh, there it is.
What are you doing over there?
I'm a Manure.
No, you're not, honey.
Yes, I am. I am a Manure.
No, you're a talented, intelligent man.
It doesn't matter where you came from.
L... I'm sure they have many wonderful qualities
that have just yet to reveal themselves.
What are we gonna do about this party?
I told everybody that we had a big surprise.
I can't introduce these people to everyone we know.
Good God, Mitch'll have a field day.
(Frank) Ooh, he's big. Will you look at the critters?
Those two are humping.
[Laughs]
Look at that. [Laughs]
Look at 'em go.
That reminds me. Where's that pretty li'l gal of yours?
Oh, Ellen? She's out running an errand.
I think she should be back any minute.
[Chimps scream] He's going at it.
HI. Can I have two tickets
to the Midsummer Night's Smackdown at the Rosemont Horizon tonight, please?
[Animal chirping]
Uh, Junior, what are we listening to?
(Ellen) It's Sea of Serenity, a meditation tape.
It helps him relax.
(Richard) So, uh,
we have a little surprise for you two.
For us?
We didn't know if you'd be interested
but there's a big wrestling event going on. It's the...
Midsummer Night's Smackdown.
And, uh, we went ahead and got tickets!
(together) Wow!
How did you know we was wrestling fans?
Who isn't?
(Frank) Maybe it runs in the family.
So the show time's at 8: 00,
and, uh, we'll get you a map when we get home.
You're gonna come with us, ain't ya?
We'd love to. We, we...
We're not able to...
Yeah. There's this, uh,
it's a mee... It's like a meeting thing.
You wouldn't wanna be there.
It's a lot of small talk and schmoozing.
I don't mind schmoozing. I grew up on a farm.
(Frank) It's just that we, uh, only have the weekend
and we was hoping to kinda maximize our quality time together.
But this is just a couple hours l... I think.
Couple hours, right?
[Soft piano music]
You okay, Mom? You look bored.
This place is like a funeral home.
I thought you said it would be casual.
Believe me, for these people it is casual.
[Crowd roars] [Loud hard rock playing]
Grab his shorts!
(Agnes) Grab 'em I Wool
We should try and move.
Woo!
Hey.
Hey!
Hey. What?
I'm worried about the time. It's getting late.
Relax. It's a long program.
We should try to speed things.
Don't these people have homes?
(Arleen) Oh, dear,
do you happen to know what your mother plans to wear for the wedding?
No, I don't. Why do you ask?
There surely must be something in her closet without sequins.
Mrs. Clayton, if you feel so strongly about it,
why don't you ask her yourself?
There's no need to be defensive. I was just making a suggestion.
Excuse me.
(Doug) So, Richard?
What was this big surprise that you promised us tonight?
Big surprise?
Yeah! You said you had a big surprise.
U h,
we're having a baby.
[Guests] OH
What?
Not now, but she's not pregnant.
But we will. She will be someday.
Maybe tonight. Who knows?
[Both laugh relieved]
(Doug) So, uh,
who's up for charades?
(Richard) Dad, it... it's kind of late.
Oh, it's not even 9: 00.
Oh, let's play. Let's play.
[Car engine squeaks]
What the hell is this?
(Agnes) Staring at her like she got knobs on her?
I was just being friendly.
You've been pushing my buttons all day long.
Where's the off button?
There ain't no off button. I'm gonna keep going.
I don't know what you're selling,
but there's no peddling here.
Oh, we're not selling anything, young man.
We just come here to visit our son.
Your son? U h, Richard Clayton lives here.
That's... That's our boy! Frank J r.
You mean you're...
We're his parents! Can't you see the resemblance?
Yes, of course!
Uh, Hi. I'm Mitchell, uh, Richard's...
Frank Junior's adoptive brother.
Oh! Why didn't you say so?
Frank Manure. This is my wife Agnes. How the hell are ya?
What was that name again?
- Frank. - The last name.
Manure. It's French.
U h, movie.
It's a movie.
Second word.
Terror.
Horror. Nausea.
Is it Cape Fear?
It is Cape Fear.
Yes, I'm hot tonight. Who's next?
Richard, I always knew you were number two,
but Inever realized you were number two.
Swish, two points. Right. Come on.
Richard, who are those people?
They're a couple of former patients of mine. Schizophrenic, delusional.
L... I'll take care of it.
Well, your mother and her big mouth
got us thrown out for making a ruckus.
She started mouthing off. I was just being friendly with somebody.
You were flirting with that usherette.
I refuse to be a party to your delusion.
Ha! Can't even trust you around a plant.
I'd like to introduce Richard's very special guests.
His birth parents, the Manures. It's French, you know.
(Frank) Merci beaucoup. How the hell are ya?
(Agnes) How the hell are ya?
What have you done?
(Frank) It's such a pleasure to meet all of you fine friends
of our beloved son, Frank J r.
That's Richard. Frank Manure J r. To all of us.
Frank J r. Told us you all was a bunch of stiffs.
But you all seem like friendly folks to me.
(Frank) Any friend of Frank J r. 's a friend of ours.
By the way, if you got any problems with critters,
just let me know. I sell a fine product called Scoot.
It gets rid of your ticks, your fleas, your cockroaches, what have you.
Just give me a buzz some time.
Get it? Give me a buzz. [Laughs]
(Mitch) How very thoughtful of you.
How would you two like to meet the nice couple
who were so kind as to raise Frank J r.?
Oh, nothing would please us more.
(Mitch) Excellent. Mom, Dad? This is Frank and Agnes.
Meet Douglas and Arleen Clayton.
Oh!
I wanna thank you on behalf of myself and my wife and I
for doing such a great job with Frank J r.
We just love him to death.
(Frank) He is a fine Christian man.
Yes, sir. I myself I'm from the church of C and E.
Ask me what that stands for. C and E, ask me what it stands for.
Alright. What does it stand for?
Christmas and Easter. Get it?
The church of C and E is Christmas and Easter.
[Laughs]
That's an old joke.
So is your face. Hey, Clayton, how about a swap?
She may have a few miles on her,
but she gets you where you wanna go. [Laughs]
Does Arleen get you where you wanna go? I bet she does, you old devil.
She looks like she's got some great suspension.
(Mitch) Guys, this is Angela Minnola, Ellen's mother.
Angela, the Manures.
What a pleasure. I love your dress.
(Angela) Thank you I
(Frank) When is that wedding happening, anyway?
We should get back to the game, right? Who's up?
Were you folks playing a game?
We were playing charade. You must join us.
Hell, yeah.
(Doug) Alrighty then. Prepare people.
I'm an expert at this game.
[Laughs]
(guests) It's a movie.
Mother Jugs and Speed. Is it Mother Jugs and Speed?
(Agnes) Would you let the man get started?
Will you shut the hell up?
(guests) It has four words.
One. One. Rocky I. How the West Was Won.
First word.
That would be The.
(Agnes) First word. Is that the first word?
That's the first word. Is The.
Second word.
From Here to Eternity.
Listening?
(Agnes) Is it listening?
Is it sound?
Sound! Mother Jugs and Speed. Is it Mother Jugs and Speed?
(Agnes) No, no. American Gigolo.
We saw that one at the drive-in.
Woo-wee! That Richard Gere. Oh, he is hot to trot.
[Pants]
We are trying to play an intelligent game here.
Then maybe you should leave the room.
Little word.
Of.
Oh, that was very nice.
[Doug clears throat]
Yentl. Is it Yentl?
I think it's the fourth word, Frank.
Oh, okay. Fourth word.
What the hell is he doing now?
I don't know what the hell that is.
Seven Year Itch
(Frank) What is that?
He's holding his hands out.
Chest! Chest!
Mother Jugs and Speed
[shouting] It is not Mother Jugs and Speed
[shouting] God I
Clayton, excuse me. How do you expect us to get the answer
with the quality of the clues you're giving us?
I don't wanna be the one to say this,
but I don't think you're cut out for this game.
(Agnes) Don't be so hard on the man, Frank.
Some people don't have the aptitude for this sort of thing.
This is ridiculous.
You sir, are an ass.
Richard,
I hope you will enjoy your real parents.
My dear.
Real nice party, Richard.
[Door closes]
Who's turn is?
You're dumb as a shovel, ain't ya?
You know, Richard, things are rarely as bad as they seem,
which makes tonight to unique.
Good night.
Good night, Jeffrey.
(Frank) You gonna go? Bring the hat over here.
I'll do one. Leaving Las Vegas!
Well guys, I guess this is it.
We really hate to leave.
But I guess we'll see you at the wedding.
Hey, you never told us the date.
Oh, didn't I? Well, it's all gonna be in the invitation.
Oh.
Oh, good, good.
Son, I can't tell you how proud we are of you.
We are so proud of you.
You are a fine, fine man.
And Ellen, we never had a daughter.
But we feel like we got one now.
Thank you. That's very sweet.
The traffic backs up right about now, so...
I can honestly say
that this has been the best two days of our lives.
We may have only spent a weekend together,
but we've loved a lifetime.
(Richard) Yeah, it feels that way.
Oh.
Now you know you all can come and visit us.
It's only a trailer, but we'll sleep on the sofa.
That, uh, I, I don't think that's gonna be necessary.
Good bye, you all.
Okay, bye-bye.
(TV anchorman) A tornado touched down just outside of Pekin, Illinois.
The worst to hit our area in many years.
Did he say Pekin?
U h, no, he didn't. Drive carefully.
(TV anchorwoman) A tornado touched down just outside Pekin, Illinois.
It looks like the worst one to hit this area in years.
We are waiting for information...
That's our park. That's where we live!
There's our sofa.
Where?
U p in that tree.
(Agnes crying) Everything we own is in that trailer.
Everything in the world. Gone with the wind.
Well, the Dan Ryan starts to lock up at about 5: 30, so...
Richard!
We have no home to go to, son. That's it.
This is awful. I hope you're insured.
Oh, no. I'm afraid not.
We ain't even got a bank account.
I don't believe in insurance. And I don't trust nobody with our money.
I kept it all in the home. Not to mention 50 cases of Scoot.
Oh, Lord. Why should this tragedy befall us?
(Agnes) What's gonna become of us?
(Ellen) Is there anyone you can stay with?
I guess it's the streets for us. But we'll get by.
We've been in tougher scrapes than this before, honey.
(Agnes crying) I don't think I can go through being homeless again.
Not at my age.
Richard.
Richard, can I speak to you for a moment?
Okay.
We've gotta do something.
Come on, Ellen. I did my part.
I did the weekend. I saw it through. I want my life back.
What are they supposed to do?
Why can't they live in their car?
They lived in a trailer home. That's like a big car.
I cannot believe you.
You are being completely heartless.
You are always speaking out on the plight of those less fortunate.
Now you're ready to turn your own parents out on the street?
I know they're a little obnoxious,
but they really do seem to care about you unconditionally,
which is a lot more that I can say for Doug and Arleen.
Doug and Arleen Clayton are good people.
They may be a tad conservative, but they're fine people.
Ellen, the weeding is in two weeks.
This is the worst time for this.
It'll only be a few days. The wedding is all set to go. Richard?
Richard, you know this is the right thing to do.
Right?
U h, folks?
Richard has something he'd like to tell you.
Ellen and I want you to know that, um, you're welcome to stay here for a few days.
If that makes you uncomfortable, we completely understand.
What can I say, son?
You've rescued us in our hour of need.
I guess family is the most important bond of all.
Yeah.
Nothing on Earth is more important than family.
Oh, my.
I'm so full of emotion.
You're not uncomfortable with this at all, then?
No, this is so good.
I found these in the garage. They'll help you sleep.
No, I refuse to wear ear plugs in my own house.
[Frank and Agnes moan]
I'll say one thing for them.
It's sweet to see a couple who are still so attracted to each other.
Sweet? That's psychotic.
They're completely oblivious to the effect they're having on others.
That's alright, because it's not getting under my skin.
My feet have been all itchy lately. Do you think it's Blackfoot?
You don't have Blackfoot.
How do you know? Are you a podiatrist?
Stop pacing and come back to bed. You're making me nervous.
Alright.
[Frank and Agnes moan]
(Agnes) Who's my Daddy?
Do you mind?!
[Laughs] Dear.
You ain't got nothin' I ain't seen before. [Laughs]
Except a brain.
Hey, honey. Are you okay?
Yeah, yeah.
Do you think they're gonna start looking for a place?
Doc, could you at least try to like them, for me?
Of course. You... you know me. U h, of course.
Do I look smaller to you?
[Laughs and coughs]
If you get a chance,
remind her that there's no smoking in the house.
I'll tell her.
(Frank) Where are you running off to, son?
(Richard) U h, nowhere.
U h, I got some business in town.
Wanna toss the ball around a little?
U h, no.
I mean, l... I would love to, but I really... I'm, I'm running late.
Come on, son.
All my life I dreamed about tossing the pigskin
around on the lawn with my only son.
H uh.
[Stammers] L... I can't Frank. I really can't.
L... I've got a bad shoulder. You know, I dislocated it once playing Lacrosse.
That's no big deal. I got bad knees, a bad back.
I got a bad heart.
Come on, let's play a little catch while I'm still alive.
I'm in a really good suit.
Let me just toss it to you one time.
Okay, alright, one time. And then I really have to run. One time.
Get the camera.
Woo-hoo. Here we go. [Laughs]
Oh, this is a dream come true, son.
Oh, that's a very fine watch you got there.
You must be living right.
Thank you. It was a gift.
Yes, a fine watch.
If you ever need another one, let me know,
because I know a guy who sells 'em wholesale out of the back of his car.
Come on, let's go.
Here ya go.
Oh, you're looking good, son.
Okay.
Go long, son. Go long.
Oh, very good.
That was pretty good. Alright, here we go.
Alright, son.
Whoa. Very nice.
Do this with Doug?
No.
Doug didn't really like to get his hands dirty.
Well, stick with me, son. My hands is always dirty.
[Laughs] Hit me hard. Come on.
Come on, let's go. Right here.
Ah!
Oh, what happened? Son, son!
I think I dislocated my shoulder.
Oh, hold still. I'll pop it back in for ya.
No, no, no. You're not gonna pop anything.
Trust me. I can do this.
I've seen Lethal Weapon ten times. Give me that.
Let him pop it. He's good at popping it in.
I can do it.
No popping.
[Laughs]
Almost got him that time. Here we go.
Come on, I'm gonna get you.
I'm gonna get you.
(Richard) Stay away from me.
Do I have more hair in this picture?
What?
Never mind.
Hi.
I just wanna thank you, Dr. Clayton.
This book really saved my life. Could you sign it?
I'd be honored.
There you are.
I can't read this.
Thank you.
Richard, are you sure you're gonna be able to do this?
Yeah, yeah.
That's my boy.
Oh, they're done early.
Since when do you read The Star?
Oh, it's Agnes'. It's very interesting.
Don't they have somewhere to go, yet?
I'll gladly pay for a hotel.
They won't take any money from us. They're very proud.
Proud? Proud of 200 years of inbreeding?
They broke my arm. My book signing was a disaster.
They're actually not that bad once you get to know them.
In fact, Frank is very handy around the house.
Agnes gave me wonderful recipes.
Recipes for what? Pig's feet or possum pie?
[Wind blowing] [Clap of thunder]
M mm.
Ellen, this is delicious. What is it?
Tempeh croquette with a tofu tahini dip.
Do I have the best wife in the world or what?
And that's not all. I have a special surprise for you.
A surprise? I love surprises.
[Soft piano music]
[Agnes' voice] It's a cheese ball.
I made it myself with my own two feet.
[Thriller music]
What the hell?
No. No!
Your father said you're looking for a rug.
I cut you a deal.
(Richard) No. No, this isn't happening.
(Ellen) Just shut the hell up. Just shut the hell up!
You're not my wife.
Yes, I am. And you're my husband.
Lookee here.
[Screams]
[Ellen laughs]
Like father, like son!
(Richard) No. No!
[shouting] No!
What's the matter? Ain't ya hungry?
[Thump]
(Ellen) Run, honey, run.
[Screams]
Ah.
Oh.
Oh, Ellen.
I just had the worst dream.
[Terror music]
[Screams]
[Door opens]
Son?
Agnes?
Are you okay?
I thought I heard a scream.
[Stammers] Yeah, l... I just... I had a nightmare.
But I'm fine. Thank you.
Oh, honey. Don't cry. Mommy's here.
Okay.
[Whispers] You know,
there was a lullaby I used to sing to you when you were a little baby.
I bet if I sang it to you now, you'd drop right off to sleep.
Tha... That's not necessary. L... I don't, I don't...
(music) Go to sleep, My pride and joy (music)
That... that's very pretty, but I don't wanna wake Ellen up.
(music) Your Mama's Precious boy (music)
(music) Little angel safe in bed (music)
(music) Happy thoughts Dance in your head (music)
Agnes, I'm 34 years old.
Very restful. Thank you, Agnes.
(music) My pride and joy (music)
There's another verse?
Point it toward me. Wait, wait. That angle.
There we go. Right there? You happy?
Ellen, have you seen my watch?
What watch?
My Rolex. I can't find it. It's just gone.
When was the last time you had it?
Last night. I took it off.
I put it on the nightstand like I always do.
You know what? Frank was commenting on it yesterday.
Remember that? He was admiring it.
Oh, Richard, you can't be serious.
He stole my watch!
[Loud music] [Frank and Agnes arguing]
Do you honestly think
that Frank snuck in here in the middle of the night and took your watch?
I don't know! He does have a criminal record.
You have to ask yourself what kind of man impersonates a meat inspector.
Inever met a sane person in your family.
(Ellen) You probably misplaced it.
Oh, no, I didn't. I didn't misplace it, Ellen.
My father gave me that watch. My real father.
You always told me you thought it was too flashy.
That doesn't mean it gives him the right to steal it.
Bye, honey.
Be safe.
I will. Thank you.
[Engine starts]
Is this the Clayton residence?
Yes, it is. But there must be some mistake.
We didn't order any meat.
Well, someone did.
Got an order here for a Franklin... Manurie? Manrouee?
Woo-hoo! Ho!
My prime rib's here. Finally.
Prime rib?
Yeah, from the Meat- of-the-Month Club.
I've been waiting three weeks for this. Come on, boy.
Right in the kitchen.
I had to move out all that Satan stuff and make some room for it.
[Frank laughs] That's right.
Ready, set, let go.
Yeah, stick it... wait. Move that tofu.
U m, Frank, you haven't seen my Rolex by any chance, have you?
No, I didn't, son.
That's good. Let me sign it for you.
You don't have another, like you have a list of meat?
I'm gonna be downstairs working on my new book, downstairs in the office.
Fine. I'll catch you next time.
[Agnes laughing]
Woo. It's hot as a pistol out there.
I'm sweating like a whore in church. You ain't lyin'.
You know, all that suntan lotion and naked flesh gives a man some ideas.
Oh, yeah? What are you gettin' at, Franklin Menure?
I'm gonna be getting at you in a minute.
[Both laugh]
(Frank) Woo-hoo!
(Agnes) You're my honey.
[Agnes screams]
(Frank) Son I Son, are you alright?
If you had any questions about sex, why didn't you just ask?
I don't wanna talk about it.
You're still our son.
I don't wanna talk about it!
We understand.
We're here for you, Junior. Son!
Son, son!
Your mom and I are very concerned about you. You're the pent-up type.
You've got to get in touch with your emotions.
Go away!
(Angela) It's beautiful.
It's not gonna work.
Of course it's gonna work. Look how it flatters your waistline.
Mom, I'm not talking about the dress.
What's the matter?
I've been reevaluating things lately.
That's only natural, honey.
This is a very big step for the two of you.
I'm just not sure if Richard and I are right for each other.
Mom, he always seemed so tolerant and so compassionate.
What do you mean, seemed?
I just don't understand why he is so hard on Frank and Agnes.
I know they're coarse
and they can come across a little too strong some times
but, I don't know, it seems like he wrote them off from Day One.
Well, he really seems to love you.
I know he does.
When you love somebody, you gotta accept them for who they are.
[Telephone rings]
I'll get it.
No, I'll get it. [Telephone rings]
Hello?
Hey, are you sitting down?
No. Why?
The Holly Davis show called. They want you on the show, Friday.
Holly Davis, this Friday?
Yes! Deepak Chopra cancelled. He got appendicitis.
That's fantastic.
I know! Richard, this is the break of a lifetime.
One appearance on that show could really put your book over the top.
I'll call you tomorrow with the details.
Perfect. I'll speak to you then.
Honey, that's terrific.
Just wait till I tell my parents.
No need, son. We heard every word.
Just a last-minute-thing fell into my lap
but it looks like it could be a very big break.
Congratulations, Richard. That sounds very exciting.
(Mitch) I'm sure you'll be a big hit
with dissatisfied overweight housewives everywhere.
It seems a bit long in the sleeves, doesn't it?
Mom, really?
Richard, your father and I have been discussing this
and we both feel very strongly that these Menures have got to go.
If you insist on continuing your association with these horrible people,
your mother and I will not be at the wedding.
(Arleen) There's only room enough
for one set of parents in this family.
Either us or them. The choice is yours.
Well, I, I assure you they'll be out by the wedding, Mother.
Come on! They're fun!
[Country music playing]
[Country music continues]
(Richard) Excuse me. Hi.
(all) Get out of here.
Ouch!
[Country music] [Clapping]
(Agnes singing) (music) There's a tree out In a dark place (music)
(music) Where it's hard To make out my face (music)
(music) And I'd love to get you up Against the bark (music)
(music) Although my teeth May be missing (music)
(music) When we start in kissing (music)
(music) You can't tell the difference In the dark (music)
(together) (music) Oh no, you can't Tell the difference (music)
(music) Can't tell the difference (music)
(music) You just can't tell The difference (music)
(music) In the dark (music)
Yeah.
[All cheer]
Oh, son.
Everybody, we'd like to introduce our son, Frank J r.
[Cheering]
Hey, Frank, I want to...
These are all of my friends from the Peekaboo Carnival.
Son, these people just been passing through and, uh,
how about you sit down and relax with us?
No, thanks.
I would like to have a word with my fiancée. In private.
[Country music playing]
Excuse me.
Hey, I'm 85 years old.
Congratulations.
I want them out now.
Oh, Richard, let's not go through this again.
They've overstayed their welcome, and I want them out now.
You had no right to let them throw a party without consulting with me first.
They said they were going to invite a few friends over.
I had no idea it was gonna be this elaborate.
The entire cast of Hee Haw is down there.
They haven't seen their friends in a long time.
Can we give them this little pleasure? They will wrap it up by 10: 00.
Ten? Ellen,
I have a live national television appearance tomorrow morning.
I'll ask them to cut it short.
No! I've had it, and I want them out now! These people are a plague.
Why do you hate them so much?
Why? Why? I'll tell you why.
Because they're rude, crude, and intrusive.
They're the most dysfunctional people I've ever met.
They're a biological and sociological mess.
That's who they are. You can't stand the thought
that you might be the offspring of such common people.
That's not true.
You know what you are, Richard? You're a snob.
Are you calling me a snob?
That's right. I'm calling you a snob.
I am not a snob.
Yes, you are. You're a total snob!
Why don't you just shut up?
You shut up!
No, you shut up!
Son, son.
(Frank) It may not be my place to say,
but you shouldn't be talking to your wife like that.
A man's wife should be treated with respect.
A man's wife...
You shut up, you cow.
I'm trying to tell him that a man's wife is his castle.
(Frank) His castle?
If your brains was chocolate, you wouldn't have enough to fill an M&M.
I'm trying to talk some sense, and you're mixing your metaphors.
(Agnes) I'm trying to help.
You can help by shuttin' up.
Get out of my house!
Get out of here right now! All of you! Party's over!
That's right! Not one more minute! Not one more minute!
Out I The party's over. Everyone out I
Go on! What are you, anyway?
Where do you think you're going?
(Ellen) I am going to my mother's.
For although she may not be perfect,
I accept her for who she is!
Come back here.
Come back here right this second!
Not you!
Ellen?
[Growls]
Shut up, Susie.
[Lively theme music]
Welcome back.
If you just joined us, our guest today is Dr. Richard Clayton,
the author of a new self-help book titled Ready, Set, Let go.
A Guide to Anger Management.
[Audience applauds]
(Holly) Ready, Set, Let Go
seems kind of simplistic, doesn't it?
Holly, I can personally vouch for this program because it certainly changed my life.
Tell me what was your life like before you developed your system.
Well, I had a very, very difficult childhood
which led to some quite destructive tendencies as an adult.
I was prone to fits of rage.
Things finally came to a head
when I had a nervous breakdown at the age of 29.
And after being arrested for disorderly conduct after some drunken binges,
I realized that it was time for a change.
U h, I stopped drinking and eventually completed my doctorate.
That's amazing.
Is it true you haven't lost your temper in four years?
U h... yeah. Actu... you could say that, that, that...
that since I developed these techniques,
I, I've definitely, uh, managed my emotions much better.
Richard, we have a little surprise for you.
A surprise?
We know you've come a long way.
Your family must be very proud.
So we brought your parents here today
to talk about the past and how far you've come.
I beg your pardon?
In fact, they're here at the studio audience right now.
Shall we bring them down?
Yeah, let's bring them out. Come on out, folks.
Please, welcome Richard's parents.
(Frank) How ya doin'? Hello.
[Laughs] How the hell are ya?
Good morning, America.
Wrong show, dingaling.
Shut the hell up.
[Audience laughs]
(Holly) Welcome to the show. Hello.
(Frank) Pleased to know ya.
I'm Frank Menure. This is my wife Agnes and there's our boy.
It's him right there. Frank J r.
[Laughs]
(Richard) There's, there's been a terrible mistake.
These are not my parents.
These aren't your parents?
(Agnes) Of course we're his parents. I don't look old enough.
A friend of mine recently told me I have the skin of a 20-year-old.
That friend mention anything about your 50-year-old ass?
[Audience laughs]
No, your name didn't come up.
[Audience laughs and applauds]
(Frank) Holly, we are so proud of our boy.
He is a chip off the ol' block.
As my daddy used to say, blood is thicker than water.
Not with all the alcohol in yours. [Audience laughs]
He tried a 12-step program, but he got so drunk he fell down the steps.
[Audience bursts out laughing]
You'll have to pardon my wife.
She's got a mouth like a damn Seven-Eleven.
It's open 24 hours a day.
I'm sorry. I have to set something straight.
These people, you're not my parents.
My parents are Doug and Arleen Clayton.
(Holly) L... I don't understand.
These people, they're... They've contributed biologically,
so they're biological contributers. Yes.
Technically, they're parents of mine, but they're not my parents.
My staff was informed that these are your parents.
Informed? Informed by whom?
Your brother Mitch, I believe.
At least I think he was your brother.
(Frank) Holly, you gonna have to excuse our boy.
He's not himself today.
(Agnes) On account of the trouble he's been having at home.
I can't watch.
He's just been having some trouble with the little lady.
They're fixing on tying the knot.
And they had themselves a little misunderstanding.
He was like a man possessed.
(Frank) He and his gal, but they love each other.
I'm sure he didn't mean to scream at her like he did.
You know kids.
He's a good boy. We're so proud of him.
We are so proud of him.
[Mixed dialogs]
Oh, my God! Frank!
[All scream]
(Agnes) Leave him alone.
(Frank) Don't hurt the boy.
[Screaming]
(Frank) Don't hurt him.
[Shouts]
(Mitch) Hey, Jennifer. Hey, what about tonight?
What do you mean you got homework?
You know, Inever did homework.
Come here, you son of a bitch!
I'll kill ya!
I'll kill ya.
It was a joke. Inever meant for it to go this far.
I'll kill you.
[Groans]
Don't. It's an Italian sweater.
Don't pull on it!
Go ahead. Go ahead, hit me.
I've always been jealous of you.
You've done so much with your life.
I've done nothing. L...
I guess that's why I've always been such a prick to you.
Swish. Two points.
[Mitch moans in pain]
Wow.
(TV anchorman) There was chaos on the set
as one of the guests went berserk.
Dr. Richard Clayton, author of a book on anger management,
blew his top today during a taping of the popular TV talk show
attacking his own parents on camera before a live audience.
I guess he should have called his book Ready, Set, Go Nuts!
(TV announcer) And now back to Mother, Jugs and Speed.
[Smash]
(Jeff) There's good news and there's bad news.
The bad news is your publisher called. They wanna drop you.
The book tour has been cancelled.
And Kmart has decided to stop carrying the book.
And the good news?
You've been invited to be on Jerry Springer.
I'm really at my wit's end, Dad.
Ellen's gone back to her mother and...
I'd like to come back and stay for a couple of days if I could,
just to get my head straight.
Richard, this is really not a good time. We have guests.
(Doug) This is your mess, son.
You're going to have to deal with it yourself.
(Angela) Agnes, you really don't have to do that.
It's the least we could do, you lettin' us stay here and all.
You mean it's the least I can do.
All you've done is sit there on your tail.
Shut your hole.
There's still no answer.
We just feel terrible about this.
M itch told us it was gonna help his career. Oh, sugar.
Is one little argument worth throwing a whole wedding over for?
I just can't see myself spending the rest of my life with him anymore.
I feel like he's not the man I thought he was.
Maybe you oughtta go there and see if he's okay. He won't talk to us.
[Cries]
Oh, honey.
Richard?
[Animal chirping]
Are you down here?
[Hinges squeak]
Oh, hi, Ellen. I didn't, uh,
I didn't hear you come in.
U h, maybe you can give me a hand.
I'm making a cheese ball.
It's a lot harder than it looks.
I tried to call you but you were...
Richard, is that meat?
M mm.
Barbecued pork. It's the meat of the month.
A little red meat's not so bad from time to time.
Honey, what are you doing to yourself?
I'm accepting my heritage, Ellen.
You know, I've had this thing all wrong from the beginning.
Why fight it? I'm a Menure.
Okay, you know what...
What difference does it make? I'm ruined anyway.
This is not the man I know.
No, you knew Richard Clayton.
I'm Frank Menure J r. How the hell are ya?
Richard, this is crazy!
Well, runs in the family.
What about our plans? We're supposed to get married. We're supposed to...
And do what?
Bring more Manures in the world?
More Cokie Syndrome? More Blackfoot?
[Scratches]
No, thank you very much. These genes stop here.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a cheese ball to make.
Fine, if that's the way you feel about it,
then you should have this back.
Good bye.
That's alright, Ellen.
I'll be fine.
I'm in complete control of my emotions.
Ready, set,
[sobs]
(Ellen crying) Mom, he's so far gone. I don't know what to do.
What happened?
He's a drunken wreck. [Weeps]
It's like he's totally given up. He's even eating meat.
Richard's eating meat?
Yes, red meat.
Well, he's not himself.
It's the fear of commitment. It's the pressure...
No, no, no, no, it's not. It's the Menures.
He, he, he blames them for everything. [Sobs]
Oh, baby.
It's alright.
It's alright now. It's alright.
[Ding-dong]
[Coughs]
[Ding-dong]
Go away!
Get off my property.
We just come to get our things, son. We won't be a minute.
Good news. We're leaving.
The Peekaboo Carnival has offered us our old jobs back.
Alright. Stay there. I'll get it.
There's your stuff. Now just go away.
You didn't happen to see my silver locket lying around, did you?
It's shaped like a heart.
No. Good bye.
Wait just a second, son.
What do you want?
U h, we would like to speak to you for a minute if we could.
Just one more time, then we'd be out of your hair for good.
I think what we have to say you'll be very interested in.
I don't quite know how to say this. U m...
Might as well just tell him.
Would you please just get to the point?
We're not really your parents, son.
You...
What?
See, we always wanted kids, but we never could have any of our own.
And then we saw that ad in the paper and we figured, well, let's give it a shot.
No, you can't be serious.
We had to do some fancy talking around that detective.
But we're smarter than we look.
We never meant no harm.
So you mean to tell me that this past week,
this entire ordeal, was all based on a lie?
We realize now it was wrong.
And we're, we're very sorry.
Sorry? You're sorry?
You ruined my life!
I could have you arrested for this!
I told you.
Well, son, that's your choice.
But, uh, then we would have to stick around for the trial and all.
U h, otherwise, we just get out of your hair.
No, perhaps you're right, M r. Menure. If that is your real name,
which I hope for your sake to God that it is not.
When I think of poor, sweet, trusting Ellen defending the two of you.
Wait until I tell her about this.
You are the lowest people that I have ever met.
If I see you around here again, I will call the police.
Good bye and good riddance!
(Ellen) I can't believe they would do something like that.
They seemed so genuine. They seemed like they really cared about you.
Can we talk in private just for a second?
I was headed upstairs.
Mom, we'll be down in a minute!
Well, I guess they fooled both of us, huh?
This doesn't change the way that you treated them, Richard.
You didn't even know they weren't your parents at the time.
You really betrayed the values I thought we shared.
You're right. Ellen, I'm ashamed of the way that I acted.
Most of all, I'm ashamed of they way that I acted towards you.
I just... I couldn't accept the fact that I could...
That I could've come from people like that.
And I paid a huge price for it.
Not my career. I got what I deserved there.
Ellen, I don't wanna lose you over this.
You're the best thing that's ever happened to me.
What happened to your watch?
L... I stopped wearing it. It's too flashy. It's really not me.
Doc.
Yeah, bunny?
(Arleen) The rehearsal went great.
It's going to be a lovely wedding.
Thank Heaven those horrible people are finally gone.
You should be so glad those people aren't your real parents.
Can you imagine being stuck with people like that the rest of your life?
They're just lucky you didn't have them arrested.
To the Menures, who could not be with us tonight, I can only say, thanks.
[Doug and Arleen laugh]
Cheers.
(Arleen) I hear this caterer we're using is wonderful.
(Doug) The Coolidges used them for their daughter's wedding.
Good night
Good night, Richard.
You okay, Doc? You seem like you have something on your mind.
You're not having second thoughts, are you?
No! Absolutely not.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Yeah.
Be safe.
[Engine starts]
Ivesdale.
(Agnes) Step right up.
(Frank) Step right up. Step right up.
Win yourself a prize. Knock over the milk cans and win yourself a big prize.
You, son, you look like you could throw a ball.
How about winning a prize for the pretty young lady?
Got a lot of nice prizes.
Alright. Three balls for $5.
Thank you. There you go. Lay into it, son.
Oh! Almost, almost.
Little over to the left here.
Oh, no. Here ya go.
You gotta real lay your arm into it.
Yeah, you're ain't trying hard enough.
(Frank) Oh, too bad.
This is a rip-off!
You wanna try again?
I bet I can knock you over easy enough.
Well, son, since you're being such a good sport,
why don't we give you a consolation prize?
Honey, dear, dear. Give him one of the consolation prizes.
A nice, a nice doggie for the young lady in pink. Yes, sir.
Here you go. Pretty pink like your cotton candy.
Thank you. Okay, mingle up. Thank you very much.
[Laughs] Oh!
Real smart, pop tart. The first day back to work
and you're already blowing the profits.
You could save me some money on a costume by working at the House of Horrors.
You wanna see some horrors, monkey butt? I'll show you some horrors.
Monkey butt? Shut up.
You better shut up.
I'd like to play.
Actually, l...
I just wanted to give you your locket back.
Mom.
Why did you lie to me?
You said that your problems started when we showed up,
so we just figured the best thing to do was to go away.
So you gave me up for my own good... again.
Can you ever forgive me?
Of course. You're our son!
Baby boy.
Son, boy.
Hey, uh, do you still wanna come to my wedding?
Oh, nothing will give us more pleasure. [Laughs]
Hey, when is that wedding, anyway?
U h, it's jus... about an hour and a half.
Where is he?
He should've been here an hour ago.
I wouldn't worry about him. He'll show up.
Hello.
(Frank) Whoa. There we go.
That's a good spot.
Don't be nervous son.
You look so handsome.
I can't believe I'm actually doing this.
All I can say, son, is that if Ellen makes you half as happy
as Agnes has made me throughout the years,
then you'll only be half as miserable as I am now.
Don't make me whip your butt in front of a church.
I better get in there. Wish me luck.
Good luck, son.
Oh, you're gonna be fine.
Don't forget to say "I do."
Alright. I'll see you in there.
Kids.
They grow up so fast.
[Organ music]
Just one second.
[Organ music]
Hi. Hello, everybody. Thank you for coming.
Weddings are a time when we come together to celebrate new family.
As many of you know,
I've recently had some additions to my own family.
I'm very proud to introduce to you two special guests of mine
who don't appear in your program.
My birth parents, Frank and Agnes Menure. Please welcome them.
[Guests applaud]
Okay.
[Nuptial march]
[Flash]
You look so pretty.
Thank you.
I'll explain later.
Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here together to unite this man and this woman
in holy matrimony.
Marriage is a sacred state.
(Frank) Alright. Is it, is it on?
(Agnes) If the red's light on, it means the camera's runnin'.
What's this? Oh.
(Frank) Here we are at the maternity ward.
Oh, my God, please. What are you doing?
Oh. No, no. [Laughs]
(Frank) What d'you got hanging in there?
What is that hanging down there?
Oh, stop that.
(Agnes) Come on. Oh, here we go.
I am just so happy
and so excited about Richard and my daughter.
Watchit, Spielberg.
And now, for the horror portion of our program.
Watch what you're doing with that camera
or you're gonna find some extra footage where the sun don't shine.
So, anybody wanna come in and say hello?
[All answer excited] Yeah
Hey, everybody.
Would you like to meet little baby?
(Richard) Let me take the camera.
(Richard) So, Angela, how do you feel about being a grandmother?
He looks like a Harvard man.
Oh no, Yale.
(Frank) Clayton, pass him by. Give him to me.
Be careful.
I know. You gotta hold his head.
Oh, my God.
(Agnes) He looks just like you.
Don't he look like me?
All wrinkled and short with his mouth wide open.
Don't mind her.
She's the first one in her family born in captivity.
[Laughs]
There you go. Oh, my goodness.
Oh, oh.
Oh, oh!
(Frank) There ya go, Papa. Alright, Papa, okay.
[All laugh]
(Frank) Oh yeah, he's a Menure all right.
[Country music playing]
(Frank sings) (music) Now, I've never Been mistooken (music)
(music) For someone Who's good looking (music)
(music) But I'd like To take you walking Through the park (music)
(music) Although i know I ain't pretty (music)
(music) Don't come from the city (music)
(music) You can't tell the difference In the dark (music)
(Frank and Agnes) (music) Oh no, you can't Tell the difference (music)
(music) Can't tell the difference (music)
(music) You can't tell the difference In the dark (music)
(Frank) (music) Although you're above me (music)
(music) Still you're gonna love me (music)
(Frank and Agnes) (music) 'Cause you just (music)
(music) Can't tell the difference In the dark (music)
(Agnes) (music) There's a tree Out in a dark place (music)
(music) Where it's hard To make out my face (music)
(music) And I'd love to get you up Against the bark (music)
(music) Although my teeth Might be missing (music)
(music) When we start in kissing (music)
(music) You can't tell the difference In the dark (music)
(Frank and Agnes) (music) Oh no, you can't tell The difference (music)
(music) Can't tell the difference (music)
(music) You can't tell the difference In the dark (music)
(Agnes) (music) Although i ain't dreaming (music)
(music) You ain't gonna see me (music)
(Agnes and Frank) (music) 'Cause you just can't tell The difference in the dark (music)
(music) No, you just can't tell The difference in the dark (music)
Da-da.
Daddy.
[Sobs]
[Laughs]
{{{the end}}}